Postman Pat and the Secret Agent
by Old Toad
Summary: A gentle and affectionate parody of a much-loved children's programme: Postman Pat and his black and white cat deliver letters and parcels in 1980's Greendale. Then one day there is a registered letter for 'Agent Brown' …


_Welcome to the world of Postman Pat. This story is based on the stop-motion animation TV series for young children which was shown on BBC television in the 1980's. You'll find examples of this classic Pat on Youtube._

It was a chilly morning and leaves were dropping from the trees as Postman Pat drove his van towards Greendale post office. "Autumn's here Jess," said Pat. "We've had Harvest Festival and the clocks go back this weekend; then it won't be quite so dark when we start in the mornings. And we'll get an extra hour in bed!" Jess was Pat's little black and white cat, curled up in his basket next to Pat. Jess didn't mind what time the clock showed as long as he didn't have to wait longer for his dinner.

Pat was hoping that there would not be many letters and parcels to deliver today. He wanted to go to the cinema in Pencaster in the afternoon; they were showing the new spy film. Pat loved films with spies, secret codes, double agents and gun shots in the dark.

"Hello Pat," said Mrs Goggins, as Pat came into the post office. "Only one parcel today, and not many letters. But there is this registered letter and it isn't properly addressed. It just says: '_Agent Brown, Greendale_.'"

"Oh dear," said Pat. "Registered letters have to be signed for, and I've no idea who that could be. I hope it's not for a summer visitor who's left. I'll ask around as I make my rounds."

Pat drove to the Vicarage first; there were two letters for the Reverend Timms. Pat showed him the registered letter. "I'm sorry, Pat, I do not know who that might be. But 'seek, and ye shall find.'"

Miss Hubbard arrived to talk to the Vicar and Pat showed her the letter. She didn't know either: "'Agent Brown?' That not someone's name, it sounds like gravy powder. Perhaps it's somebody's idea of a joke."

There was no post for Granny Dryden, but Pat saw her in the village street and stopped to speak to her; Granny Dryden knew everyone in the valley. "Oh Pat, that reminds me of the hush-hush work we did for the government during the war. It probably is a joke, but you should take it seriously, just in case." But she didn't know who 'Agent Brown' was, either.

Pat drove along the narrow, winding roads of Greendale, delivering letters all along the valley. The parcel was for Ted Glen, and Pat found him in his workshop, repairing an old motorbike. "Thank you Pat," he said when Pat gave him the parcel. "That'll be parts for this old bike; they've come just in time."

He shook his head when Pat asked him about 'Agent Brown', but he asked Pat if he had a letter for George Lancaster. "He might know," he said.

George Lancaster lived high in the hills, and it was late morning before Pat and Jess reached Intake Farm, with only a postcard for George and the mystery letter left to deliver. George had just come in from seeing to his hens when Pat arrived. Pat gave him his postcard and showed him the registered letter for 'Agent Brown.' "It has to be signed for" said Pat.

"Come inside," said George, so Pat let Jess out of the van and the two of them went into the farmhouse kitchen. George poured Pat a big mug of steaming tea from the teapot.

"Pat, you have to keep a secret, and tell nobody at all, not even Mrs Goggins at the post office."

Pat agreed at once, wondering what he was going to learn. George Lancaster said nothing, but he put down a saucer of milk for Jess and went upstairs. He came down again with a strange pale-faced man in a dark business suit and tie and wearing sun glasses: not at all what you would expect in a remote English farmhouse! He had an American accent.

"Good day, mister postman, you have a letter for me? I am Agent Brown." He showed Pat an official-looking badge with his picture on it and the name 'Agent Brown.'

"Yes," said Pat, "it is a registered letter, which means that you must sign to say that you've received it."

"That's cunning," said Agent Brown. "What is in the letter may not matter, but if I sign for it they'll know where I am."

Pat look puzzled, but George Lancaster explained: "This is a 'safe house' Pat, where people come to hide. That's why you must tell nobody about it."

"That's right," said Agent Brown, "I am hiding from an Agent Smith. If he finds me it could be very serious. I think he has sent out lots of letters like this to many different places. If I sign for it, he'll know I'm somewhere in Greendale. It's very important that he doesn't find me."

"That's alright," said Pat. "I won't tell anyone, and I'll tell Mrs Goggins that I didn't find you." Jess decided that he wouldn't tell anyone either; he didn't like the strange American and crept under the kitchen dresser.

While Pat drank his tea, Agent Brown carefully opened the letter. "I would know if it was booby-trapped," he said. Inside was a blank sheet of paper. "I guess that proves it; the letter was just a trick to find me." He very carefully sealed up the letter again, so that it looked as though it had never been opened, and gave it back to Pat. "Take this back to the post office and leave it undelivered, please postman."

"I will," said Pat. "Could that piece of paper be written with invisible ink?"

Agent Brown frowned: "If it is, then it's better that neither you nor Mr Lancaster know about it. Leave that to me if you please."

"Come on Jess," said Pat, "It's time we were going if I'm to get to the pictures this afternoon." Jess was so glad to leave the farmhouse that he didn't even mind leaving his saucer of milk unfinished.

Pat drove along the winding roads, up and down, taking the shortest route back to the post office. When he got there Mrs Goggins was looking worried. "Oh, Pat, I'm so glad you're here. This telegram arrived after you left. I tried to 'phone Intake Farm, but the line must be down."

The telegram was for 'Agent Brown, Intake Farm, Greendale.' "Well somebody knows where he" is thought Pat. He read the message:

AGENT SMITH KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE STOP FLEE IMMEDIATLEY STOP M

"Oh my goodness" said Pat, "I've just come from Intake Farm. If the 'phone isn't working I'd better go back there at once. No time to explain."

Pat was in such a hurry that he didn't even notice that Jess was not in his basket until he had gone past Greendale Farm. The lanes were narrow and at one point he had to back up into a passing place so that Ted Glen could squeeze past him in his big truck. When Pat got to Intake Farm he drove straight into the farmyard and tooted his horn. George Lancaster came out straight away; he had been eating his dinner. "What's up Pat, you look worried."

Pat showed him the telegram and George read it. "You'd best step inside Pat, this looks serious." George and Agent Brown had a whispered talk together; then George invited Pat to sit down and have a bite to eat while they decided what to do. Soon they had a plan: Pat would take Agent Brown in his van to Pencaster where he could escape. George would stay at the farm; if he thought Agent Smith was coming he would drive off on his newly-mended motorbike to act as a decoy.

Soon Pat was driving back down the valley with Agent Brown hidden in the back of the van. "Don't drive fast Pat, just do what you usually do." So Pat drove carefully along the narrow winding roads, past farms and cottages, all the way to Greendale village. He collected the post from the postbox into his sack; he went into the post office to collect parcels and saw Jess fast asleep on the hearthrug in Mrs Goggin's back parlour.

Before long Pat was back in his van, ready to head further down the valley with Agent Brown still in the back of the van. "Listen Pat," said Agent Brown, "Can you hear a helicopter?" Pat listened, and there was the rapid cloop-cloop-cloop sound of a helicopter passing overhead. "That will be Agent Smith, on his way to destroy me. Mr Lanchester's little diversion should give us some time. Drive on Pat and take us to Pencaster!"

So Pat drove on, slowly at first down the village street and then more quickly, but the roads were so narrow and had so many bends that he couldn't go fast. Pat shouted over his shoulder to Agent Brown behind him: "What will happen if this Agent Smith catches up with George? Will he be OK?"

"Greendale is a remnant of a very early version of the Matrix, Pat. It's sort of hard-coded. Even Agent Smith can't do too much. I couldn't even change my appearance!"

Pat wondered if he had miss-heard; it was difficult to hear above the noise of the engine. "What is the Matrix? I don't understand."

"You really don't know do you? Then I've already said too much. Don't worry: Mr Lancaster will come to no harm; next time you see him he'll be just the same as ever."

When they got to the Royal Mail sorting office in Pencaster and Pat had stopped the van, Agent Brown was able to speak more quietly. "Thank you Postman Pat, you have done us a great service. Once, Agent Smith and I worked together, but now he is trying to take over the whole Matrix - that's what we agents call the world we live in. Take the mail into the office and when you get back I'll be gone. Tell nobody about me; 'Mum's the word' as you say around here."

When Pat got back to the van, just a few minutes later, there was no sign of Agent Brown. There was still time for Pat to go to the cinema if he hurried, but he had had quite enough of rushing around and secret agents for one day, so he just drove back to Greendale post office to pick up Jess.

Quite soon he was sipping a nice cup of tea in Mrs Goggins' parlour with Jess on his lap. "What a day I've had," he said out loud. He thought "It's just as well I can't talk about today, because Mrs Goggins would not believe it. I'm not sure I believe all of it myself."

Jess thought "I'm so glad my cover didn't get blown. And I do hope there is a nice piece of fish for my supper."


End file.
